Every once in a while there are moments that come unexpectedly, like a fragrance of lilacs in a spring breeze. They catch you in a tender moment, letting you know- it is sacred.
Treasure it.
Unfolding then, is what seems to have lied dormant.
It emerges as though it has always been.
A gift unearthed by the nurturing of encouragement.
Ready to bloom in full radiance.
Stillness captured in the beauty of tender creation, doing the tasks it was created to do.
A hornet.
An apple.
And our son, seeing the sacred opportunity to give birth, to a laid down gift, once delighted in.
Laying hold of a still moment, as though it was framed by God Himself.
Inviting our son to sit quietly before an otherwise overlooked moment.
Stillness.
When captured, pulls you into something deeper than what appears on the surface.
New life again.
New beginnings.
Art. The joy of something coming back to life, sings its own sweet song.
"HONK!!!!" "HONK"!!!! 'HONK"!!!! EVERY car on the road was honking at me! I slightly missed the turn into the coffee shop, today. Slowed down a bit too far ahead of the drive, but close enough I thought that I could still try and turn and make it. NOPE! I had to stop in the middle of the road, back up a bit more and then make the rest of my turn. Truly... there was plenty of time for me to do this, and a good distance between me and any oncoming cars... OR I wouldn't have tried, Of Course!
As I am in the midst of this most frustrating moment, what struck me so profoundly was that EVERY car on the road coming at me, was honking SO loudly, and so continually, that I was like, "are you kidding me, how stupid can you all be??? LIKE really, you don't think I KNOW that I am in the middle of the road as I am desperately and as quickly as I possibly can, trying to get myself out of the way, that you all have to honk relentlessly at me, because I just may not realize that I'm ABOUT TO BLOCK THE TRAFFIC?????
Seriously!!!!???!!!!
As I pulled into the coffee shop parking lot, I was suddenly struck with this thought--- Isn't this like people, to so completely with such intent, to point out and make sure we see our WRONG-- AS IF WE ARE COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF OUR OWN MISTAKE- our WEAKNESSES?
It reminded me of something my counselor shared, 'usually we are really very aware of our own struggles"--- but there are those who love to critique those struggles and find it worthy somehow, their role in life to be sure they let us know what those are.
I sat there in the parking lot pondering this....
It's one thing to tell someone what they are doing is hurting you. To say, when you do this it makes me feel ____________ (fill in the blank), and that it takes a lot of vulnerability to tell someone how their actions have been hurting you.
Vulnerability is about letting someone know about your own brokenness. It is about letting someone know how weak you might be in an area, or how weak you "feel" in an area, your sense of feeling inadequate. It's also about sharing truth, about how someones actions might be hurting you, causing you to feel hurt and various other hurtful feelings. How their choices are bringing damage to your relationship. It takes a lot of courage to expose how you are being hurt, by another's words, actions, etc. It takes a willingness to have a sense of worth about yourself, in a way that says, "when you do this, I feel ______" The goal is to bring healing... to show them you love them, and or care about them enough to say, "I don't want to be hurt this way anymore".
What vulnerability is not--- critiquing someones ability, performance, or capability and how you think they should be doing it differently. How they need to do it "this" way, rather than "that way."
When those horns were all honking as LOUDLY AND CONTINUOUSLY as they were while I was in a place of "having failed" to see the turn quickly enough--- it was so cutting to my ears, and like rubbing my face in the mud of my mistake. What good did it do? Did it change what happened? Did they feel better? PROBABLY Did I feel better? NO- I felt shamed, critiqued, judged and an obvious failure in driving skills clearly!
What if no one would have honked? And instead, slowed way down.... and simply waited patiently for me to get my bearings and move out of the way... even waving at me, signaling to me, "It's okay..."
This would have communicated to me, grace--- patience --- understanding ---affirmation---humility - (like they've been in the same position, themselves.)...
Isn't it always such a gift of fresh unexpected air, when someone who sees in us our courage, when we are feeling weak inside, ... when they breath on what we are courageous in, rather than on what we are weak in?
Isn't it like oxygen, when you inside feel like you are walking always- way in over your head, and someone comes along and says, "you know... you walk with so much strength, you just always keep going --- what you're dealing with is so hard, but you simply keep shining hope..." Whatever it might be, when someone speaks 'life' into the places where you know full well, you are just so struggling, or those places that God calls us into--- the deep places and you know, there is no way I'm going to be able to do what You, God are calling me to, if You don't show up!!!! And then He does show up, and He begins to show you, how involved in the path He has you on, He is! Its like rain to parched ground, is it not?!!?
I have begun to learn something about God... He sees something in us, that we often don't see in ourselves. He gives us a desire, a vision, and it becomes His voice calling us into a place that we feel excited about. But, so many times, that leading takes us into deep places we have not been out into before and suddenly we feel way in over our head. We know His voice crashed into our hearts- into our spirit- that His leading has been lavishly affirmed by Him-, and then when we get there finally--- whoa... we feel completely unqualified-
Yet, we know... we are right where He has led us and called us and provided us to be...
Every lie that can, will come against you to shame you, cut you, challenge if you heard from God, critique you to second guess what you know you Heard Him Speak! But, sometimes that is just a test... to see if you will get offended. To see if you will get into doubt, fear, and the like. To pull out of what you are now fully convinced by His grace and love, lavishly showing you, Yes!... this is where I'm taking you.
There are some beautiful words to a song.... actually two songs... the first one is:
In Over My Head - Jenn Johnson
Chorus: Then You crash over me & I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
And You crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
I’m beautifully in over my head
I’m beautifully in over my head
All my life, honestly... I've been way in over my head!!! Maybe that's a good sign, that I'm truly living life!!! I have been ushered into season after season, unrelentingly so--- where I'm just simply always in over my head! Since this song was released, it has been such a comfort, because honestly--- when I'm feeling way in over my head, guess what else happens.... I'm beautifully captured and taken in with Him, way over my head, beautifully into a deeper intimacy with Him, season after season.
Another lyric is this:
"Crack"- Leonard Cohen
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
Wow.... isn't this just beautiful, and so exquisitely shown--
What are the bells, you want to still ring? What dreams have song and melody locked up inside you, that someone stole because they critiqued your capability, and cause you then to .... give up, and give in to less than what you were called to?
How did that maybe cause you to pursue a 'perfectionistic' standard that said,... if you are not perfect in this you are not qualified for it? OR even worse... you gave up hope and settled for the lie, ... "not good enough." And, ended something that was actually part of your destiny, you were meant for? Just something to ponder.
Today... was a day full of 'cracks'-- in many ways... and being a mommy, reveals daily to me, the many cracks within me. It is such a sacred role, privilege we have, to be a Mommy! It is also one of the most sacred acts of worship I will ever give my Father, as well. I truly believe that He doesn't desire for us to feel like we have it all 'together', as a Mommy, as a Daughter, as a Wife, as a Friend...etc, because it is when we are fully and completely dependent upon Him in our weakness, that His strength becomes perfect strength. Out of that strength we begin to learn surrender to needing to have it all figured out, and all under control. I feel WAY in over my head... ALL THE TIME. But, do you know what? Jesus knew that I would. Jesus knew how much I would not just fail at times, but that I would feel that feeling almost every day. He KNEW all my cracks within me as a daughter who grew up feeling orphaned. But, He is faithfully and daily showing me that I wasn't orphaned by Him. I was adopted by Him... I'm His Daughter- the apple of His eye- held in the palm of His Hand- destined to reign with Him eternally in all His Glory! Why.... because with all the cracks that are within me, He saw them sealed in beauty by His Blood! And He is making me into His very own masterpiece. Yes! REALLY!!!! And, He wants to make all your cracks into a masterpiece for shining His Glory, as well.
I am more than a conqueror in Jesus!!! (Romans 8:37)
You know,... there is a crack in everything, right?!!! This is why we have Jesus, who came to bring redemption to those cracks. Since Adam and Eve partook of the fruit in the Garden of Eden.... there has been a crack in all of humanity and all of creation. But, guess what.... those cracks serve the most profound and glorious purpose-
revealing our need for light!
Our need for redeeming grace, that comes and puts what otherwise would be considered broken and un-salvageable, into a masterpiece of His lavishing great and beautiful Glory- where His image is birthed through and in our lives. Through all our cracks His light pours in, and we are given the privilege to be revealed as Sons and Daughters of the Living and Coming King!
That's how the light gets in....
It's through your cracks and my cracks, that His light, the light of His love, ... seeps in and through... gloriously offering us full restoration and redemption, eternally with Him!
Our cracks become our crowns!
And so... next time you hear a HONKING HORN at something you mistakenly feel you failed at doing... next time a voice around you honks at your cracks.... just smile, lovingly and humbly say, thank you for showing me that~
Knowing His light must be shining brilliantly through you in that place, and that He has only to shine all the more through you... in time.
