Every once in a while there are moments that come unexpectedly, like a fragrance of lilacs in a spring breeze. They catch you in a tender moment, letting you know- it is sacred.
Treasure it.
Unfolding then, is what seems to have lied dormant.
It emerges as though it has always been.
A gift unearthed by the nurturing of encouragement.
Ready to bloom in full radiance.
Stillness captured in the beauty of tender creation, doing the tasks it was created to do.
A hornet.
An apple.
And our son, seeing the sacred opportunity to give birth, to a laid down gift, once delighted in.
Laying hold of a still moment, as though it was framed by God Himself.
Inviting our son to sit quietly before an otherwise overlooked moment.
Stillness.
When captured, pulls you into something deeper than what appears on the surface.
New life again.
New beginnings.
Art. The joy of something coming back to life, sings its own sweet song.
"HONK!!!!" "HONK"!!!! 'HONK"!!!! EVERY car on the road was honking at me! I slightly missed the turn into the coffee shop, today. Slowed down a bit too far ahead of the drive, but close enough I thought that I could still try and turn and make it. NOPE! I had to stop in the middle of the road, back up a bit more and then make the rest of my turn. Truly... there was plenty of time for me to do this, and a good distance between me and any oncoming cars... OR I wouldn't have tried, Of Course!
As I am in the midst of this most frustrating moment, what struck me so profoundly was that EVERY car on the road coming at me, was honking SO loudly, and so continually, that I was like, "are you kidding me, how stupid can you all be??? LIKE really, you don't think I KNOW that I am in the middle of the road as I am desperately and as quickly as I possibly can, trying to get myself out of the way, that you all have to honk relentlessly at me, because I just may not realize that I'm ABOUT TO BLOCK THE TRAFFIC?????
Seriously!!!!???!!!!
As I pulled into the coffee shop parking lot, I was suddenly struck with this thought--- Isn't this like people, to so completely with such intent, to point out and make sure we see our WRONG-- AS IF WE ARE COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF OUR OWN MISTAKE- our WEAKNESSES?
It reminded me of something my counselor shared, 'usually we are really very aware of our own struggles"--- but there are those who love to critique those struggles and find it worthy somehow, their role in life to be sure they let us know what those are.
I sat there in the parking lot pondering this....
It's one thing to tell someone what they are doing is hurting you. To say, when you do this it makes me feel ____________ (fill in the blank), and that it takes a lot of vulnerability to tell someone how their actions have been hurting you.
Vulnerability is about letting someone know about your own brokenness. It is about letting someone know how weak you might be in an area, or how weak you "feel" in an area, your sense of feeling inadequate. It's also about sharing truth, about how someones actions might be hurting you, causing you to feel hurt and various other hurtful feelings. How their choices are bringing damage to your relationship. It takes a lot of courage to expose how you are being hurt, by another's words, actions, etc. It takes a willingness to have a sense of worth about yourself, in a way that says, "when you do this, I feel ______" The goal is to bring healing... to show them you love them, and or care about them enough to say, "I don't want to be hurt this way anymore".
What vulnerability is not--- critiquing someones ability, performance, or capability and how you think they should be doing it differently. How they need to do it "this" way, rather than "that way."
When those horns were all honking as LOUDLY AND CONTINUOUSLY as they were while I was in a place of "having failed" to see the turn quickly enough--- it was so cutting to my ears, and like rubbing my face in the mud of my mistake. What good did it do? Did it change what happened? Did they feel better? PROBABLY Did I feel better? NO- I felt shamed, critiqued, judged and an obvious failure in driving skills clearly!
What if no one would have honked? And instead, slowed way down.... and simply waited patiently for me to get my bearings and move out of the way... even waving at me, signaling to me, "It's okay..."
This would have communicated to me, grace--- patience --- understanding ---affirmation---humility - (like they've been in the same position, themselves.)...
Isn't it always such a gift of fresh unexpected air, when someone who sees in us our courage, when we are feeling weak inside, ... when they breath on what we are courageous in, rather than on what we are weak in?
Isn't it like oxygen, when you inside feel like you are walking always- way in over your head, and someone comes along and says, "you know... you walk with so much strength, you just always keep going --- what you're dealing with is so hard, but you simply keep shining hope..." Whatever it might be, when someone speaks 'life' into the places where you know full well, you are just so struggling, or those places that God calls us into--- the deep places and you know, there is no way I'm going to be able to do what You, God are calling me to, if You don't show up!!!! And then He does show up, and He begins to show you, how involved in the path He has you on, He is! Its like rain to parched ground, is it not?!!?
I have begun to learn something about God... He sees something in us, that we often don't see in ourselves. He gives us a desire, a vision, and it becomes His voice calling us into a place that we feel excited about. But, so many times, that leading takes us into deep places we have not been out into before and suddenly we feel way in over our head. We know His voice crashed into our hearts- into our spirit- that His leading has been lavishly affirmed by Him-, and then when we get there finally--- whoa... we feel completely unqualified-
Yet, we know... we are right where He has led us and called us and provided us to be...
Every lie that can, will come against you to shame you, cut you, challenge if you heard from God, critique you to second guess what you know you Heard Him Speak! But, sometimes that is just a test... to see if you will get offended. To see if you will get into doubt, fear, and the like. To pull out of what you are now fully convinced by His grace and love, lavishly showing you, Yes!... this is where I'm taking you.
There are some beautiful words to a song.... actually two songs... the first one is:
In Over My Head - Jenn Johnson
Chorus: Then You crash over me & I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
And You crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
I’m beautifully in over my head
I’m beautifully in over my head
All my life, honestly... I've been way in over my head!!! Maybe that's a good sign, that I'm truly living life!!! I have been ushered into season after season, unrelentingly so--- where I'm just simply always in over my head! Since this song was released, it has been such a comfort, because honestly--- when I'm feeling way in over my head, guess what else happens.... I'm beautifully captured and taken in with Him, way over my head, beautifully into a deeper intimacy with Him, season after season.
Another lyric is this:
"Crack"- Leonard Cohen
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
Wow.... isn't this just beautiful, and so exquisitely shown--
What are the bells, you want to still ring? What dreams have song and melody locked up inside you, that someone stole because they critiqued your capability, and cause you then to .... give up, and give in to less than what you were called to?
How did that maybe cause you to pursue a 'perfectionistic' standard that said,... if you are not perfect in this you are not qualified for it? OR even worse... you gave up hope and settled for the lie, ... "not good enough." And, ended something that was actually part of your destiny, you were meant for? Just something to ponder.
Today... was a day full of 'cracks'-- in many ways... and being a mommy, reveals daily to me, the many cracks within me. It is such a sacred role, privilege we have, to be a Mommy! It is also one of the most sacred acts of worship I will ever give my Father, as well. I truly believe that He doesn't desire for us to feel like we have it all 'together', as a Mommy, as a Daughter, as a Wife, as a Friend...etc, because it is when we are fully and completely dependent upon Him in our weakness, that His strength becomes perfect strength. Out of that strength we begin to learn surrender to needing to have it all figured out, and all under control. I feel WAY in over my head... ALL THE TIME. But, do you know what? Jesus knew that I would. Jesus knew how much I would not just fail at times, but that I would feel that feeling almost every day. He KNEW all my cracks within me as a daughter who grew up feeling orphaned. But, He is faithfully and daily showing me that I wasn't orphaned by Him. I was adopted by Him... I'm His Daughter- the apple of His eye- held in the palm of His Hand- destined to reign with Him eternally in all His Glory! Why.... because with all the cracks that are within me, He saw them sealed in beauty by His Blood! And He is making me into His very own masterpiece. Yes! REALLY!!!! And, He wants to make all your cracks into a masterpiece for shining His Glory, as well.
I am more than a conqueror in Jesus!!! (Romans 8:37)
You know,... there is a crack in everything, right?!!! This is why we have Jesus, who came to bring redemption to those cracks. Since Adam and Eve partook of the fruit in the Garden of Eden.... there has been a crack in all of humanity and all of creation. But, guess what.... those cracks serve the most profound and glorious purpose-
revealing our need for light!
Our need for redeeming grace, that comes and puts what otherwise would be considered broken and un-salvageable, into a masterpiece of His lavishing great and beautiful Glory- where His image is birthed through and in our lives. Through all our cracks His light pours in, and we are given the privilege to be revealed as Sons and Daughters of the Living and Coming King!
That's how the light gets in....
It's through your cracks and my cracks, that His light, the light of His love, ... seeps in and through... gloriously offering us full restoration and redemption, eternally with Him!
Our cracks become our crowns!
And so... next time you hear a HONKING HORN at something you mistakenly feel you failed at doing... next time a voice around you honks at your cracks.... just smile, lovingly and humbly say, thank you for showing me that~
Knowing His light must be shining brilliantly through you in that place, and that He has only to shine all the more through you... in time.
This is Seth's Christmas gift to me this year. What blesses me about it is how he put thought into his own things to give me. The bouncy ball we both made together. The hobbit cartoon dvd, that is one of his favorites, and the love we both share for Middle Earth. The picture he drew of him and I, representing the many days we share together outside in our backyard, playing battle with our swords, and Guthrie and his ball, who is always with us... guarding us and being by our side. Then, the timer. He said, "I don't know why I gave you that, I just did." As I looked at each item and what it represents, and then pondering his heart of love while doing dishes, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper... about the beauty of the timer.
There is a time for everything... under the sun. And, there is only so much time here on earth, before our time eternally begins. It represented the many sacred moments of time spent, together. It reminded me of a dream he had, with a timer set in cement, and in that dream I was dying, being rushed to the hospital. (NO I don't believe it is literal... it symbolizes something I have yet to fully know). It reminded me of all the sacred times we have had together, both ourselves and as a family. The times I have spent in prayer, worship, stillness, beside him as he sleeps, ... waging battle on his behalf.
I was also reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Middle Earth. "I wish the ring would have never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened." said Frodo. "So do all who see such times. But that is not for you to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given you." replied Gandalph.
What are you doing with your time?
This coming year will unfold many more sacred moments in time, yet to be made. And in a deeply powerful way, his giving me the timer resonates with me a longing and anticipation of all that is yet to be unveiled in our lives, in time. Most awaited is our time forever with the King of all the Earth, Jesus Christ. Who came from His throne as a baby, to become our redeeming King.
These next few days, I encourage you to spend your time wisely, reflectively, and with great purpose. For it is truly in the context of time, His Kingdom comes manifest, in powerful ways. May it come powerfully to you, this year.
Waking up this morning under the overcast sky, it dawned on me that it was my birthday, today. It was just a regular Tuesday, with nothing special planned. Sometimes, that is just the way birthday's go. The schedule is what it is, and things are what they are, and the day is just another day.
I sat down next to Seth on our plum sofa, as I greeted the morning with his smile. Looking at him, I said, 'Seth, did you know it was my birthday, today?" "I had no idea, Mom." as he looked up at me in surprise. "So, do you have anything special planned for me, any surprises for me?" I asked, knowing his wheels would be spinning for something creative to figure out.
Shortly after this, I fixed our craisen, cinnamon and nutmeg, pancakes, along with a side of breakfast sausage. Then, sipping my coffee, gathered the things we needed to begin school for the day, and headed outside to get our table and things, ready.
Between our spelling words, we took breaks for a little, drama. Literally. Acting out scenes from, "The Lord of the Rings," and "The Hobbit," we had lots of fun guessing accurately beneath the gray sky. I could smell the rain coming and soon we needed to pull the table in the garage as it started to sprinkle.
We learned then about measuring in metric units with our balance in grams, and our spring scale in newtons. We estimated that the mass of our Lego Spider Man car Seth made weighs in at about 54 grams, while on our spring scale it weighs about 1.5 newtons.
As we took a break from that to read a story, we learned about a wonderful man named George Washington Carver. Of the many talents he had, one was painting. As I was reading, Seth mentioned his memory of learning how the Indians painted with mud and the colored sands of the desert. As he spoke the words, I had inspiration to try this ourselves.
We gathered some dirt, cookie sheets, freezer paper, and food coloring and paint brushes. We begin mixing water, dirt and food coloring together to see what kind of colors we could make. Then, taking the freezer paper we began to create.
It was so much fun, and Seth was really enjoying how relaxing it was. After we spent time doing this for a bit, we played swords.
"Mommy, aren't we have the best birthday day, ever?" he exclaimed with a big smile. "It sure is, honey!" as I smiled back to him. We played everything from ball tag, sword tag, soccer tag, set up the tent and played Lego's inside, till finally about 7pm, we headed into the house for some dinner. Our overcast sky moved into the glory of a crystal blue fall sky, evening.
About the time I was getting him ready for bed, my sister called. While I was talking with her, Seth was busy playing with the cat, wrapping a rope around my arm, and some other fun things I would find out later. Hanging up the phone and finishing the brushing of my teeth, I walked into the room where Seth had a surprise for me.
"Here, Mommy, you're Birthday present." he said, smiling really big. I took the white and blue dog leash he used as ribbon, and unwrapped it from around the shiny silver, Gandalph cape he used, to wrap my present in. What I opened was the picture framed of the angel picture we have had in our room for a couple years now. I was moved by his unbelievable way of communicating how well I am known by him. That picture of the Angel with the sword is a sacred picture, for it holds a story of the lessons and truths we have learned over the past few years about the way God's angel armies stand on our behalf to both guard us and fight the unseen battles on our behalf, for us. It is so special to us both. But, tonight he said, Mommy... I want you to have it in your room now.
After talking about it a bit, we decided to keep it in his room, for together we just felt that was the right thing. There wasn't a "good' spot in our room. And as we were deciding that, he said, 'Mommy, if I wake at night, and want to look for it, it will be right here on our book table, next to the bed." I agreed, completely, this was the best place for it, now.
"That's not all, Mommy!" he said, with great anticipation. As I got into the bed to read our books together, he had picked out books as I had asked him, too. But with a huge smile, he looked at me as I saw the books he picked, and they were all my favorites. From, "Mr. Putter," to our devotional, to "Amelia Bedelia Goes Camping," to "Heaven Is For Real."
I crawled into bed and as I did, I heard and saw him peek his head around the corner, blowing me a kiss, from just outside our room in the hall. He was up to something, sneaky. Then, while pulling the covers up to my chest, he says, "Mommy, that's not all, I have more for you tomorrow!" "Can you guess what they are?" he asks with great anticipation to tell me himself. I guess crazy clues, like, "It's yellow, it's big." Thankfully, I convinced him to keep it a surprise for me.
As he cozied up right next to me, laying his head on my shoulder, I took a moment to look at his beautiful, big, glowing brown eyes, and said, "You know what, Seth... you made my birthday, very special today, and you are a very special little boy!" to which he replied, "you are a very special, Mommy!"
I kissed him on his face, and opened, "Mr. Putter Takes The Train," and began to read. I LOVE the Mr. Putter, books. What I loved more than anything about our day, was how all day long he was thinking of all the fun ways he could make it special, and fun. The thing that touched me most deeply, was how he wrapped with his own things, creatively, those things that are his, that he knows would mean the most to me, or speak my language, making me feel known. How much I love that picture of the angel with his sword, and all that speaks to Seth and I, inside. The books, and choosing "Heaven Is For Real" of which we will read tomorrow, since it got really late. How he is still choosing to put together more 'little' surprises that I am certain, will speak my language.
When it comes to what makes a Birthday, uniquely special to me, it is not how many bought gifts, or exciting extravaganza's one had planned, or the fancy cakes and trimmings of a party... however all that can have its exciting place of fun. What really stays with the deep places of the heart at the end of the day, is when a person takes what they have, and gives it away. When they take the little things, what appears to be nothing, and looks with thought and kindness, with a selfless but thoughtful look inside the persons heart and asks, "What would Mommy, like, if I could give her anything of my own, to her?" That is what Seth, did today. He looked around at what was his, wondering if I gave Mommy, something of mine, what would she want? And what is amazing to me, he spoke my heart language. He showed me how well, and how precisely, he knows me. And, he gave something that to him, was priceless, willingly ready to give it to me. He showed me, Jesus. He gave from a place where the love of Jesus lives in his heart.
The day began, as any other day... a bit overcast, and a Birthday with nothing particularly special about it, that was planned anyway. But, by the end of the day, our noses were crisp and cool to the touch, our bodies were chilled, but our hearts were warmed by love. And, as I turned off the light praying him to sleep, I felt that the most special day of all, came all unexpected from the heart of a little boy, who, because he loves birthday's, decided to make mine the most special of all.
It was a moment where I knew... I did it wrong. What I did wasn't wrong, but how I did it, was. Every parent has been there... it may not be every parent that realizes that, in the moment, but I am humbly grateful that the Spirit of the Living God does not let me get away with NOT realizing, those moments.
"Seth... I was wrong. I am so sorry... I really mean that. I'm sorry and I need to ask your forgiveness, honey. Do you need a hug?" I asked, Seth.
"Seth, I wish they would have never made the word, "perfect," because I know I never will be. And no one will. Its sort of funny when you think about it, that in a world where "perfect" will never be, it is used all the time. You know, I would rather make mistakes and model for you, what making amends and humbly making things right, asking forgiveness, and showing you that I won't be perfect, I would rather do that,.... than show you perfect. Because, Seth, honey... perfect is when we live in heaven one day... there, everything is perfect...
But, it hurts me to know I hurt your heart. I am going to fail, probably many times... and I wish I didn't. I never want anything to come between us, and if it does, I want to always make it right." I tearfully, told Seth.
"You know what I love about you and I honey? I love that even when we have struggles, we always make amends, and make it right between us. Somehow, we end up closer after this, than we were before." I told him, as I looked intently into his eyes.
During this time he had been eating a brown sugar bagel, gazing into the sky's out the window at the kitchen table. There was a pause....
"Mommy, I'm glad you're the mommy I need." His loving eyes said with a huge smile.
That paused moment remained speechless for another moment,....
I was so deeply touched and awed by his words. Words that on the one hand, leveled me with surprise and disbelief. ON the other, words that fit the deeply revelatory nature of his soul. Only he could have said something so exquisitely beautiful to my heart. And so profound. For so many times I have cried out to the Lord Jesus, to help me be the mommy I cannot be apart from my Jesus, the mommy that Seth needs me to be, and please help me in my weakness's Lord. For it is through my weakness, I find Your strength.
I know that He, my Beloved has been teaching me through those cries. Teaching me that He knew exactly, what Seth was getting in me as a mom... and that He, my Beloved, knew exactly what He was getting into, when He chose to make me, Seth's mom.
I, still struggle to accept that.
Through teary eyes, I looked at his innocent and strong, warrior loving face, full of an oceans depth of love in his eyes for me, and I told him;
"I'm glad, you're the boy- that I need."
I can only pray that those words will penetrate his tender heart, deeply in a way that would express the same depth of meaning that his words did to me. I also knew something more.
Those words for me, held more than he will ever know.
For I pray that through every mistake, every bend that becomes broken, every tear that becomes torn, moments of doing it wrong...that my world and my character are being shaped and formed into something grander and more desirable, than before I became a mommy.
That something of my dross, will have forged its way to the surface, having been skimmed and stripped, all my brokenness; leaving only the reflection of His Face.
That one day, standing at the edge of time, overlooking what my life had held, wading through the shores of my heart...when I meet Him face to face, and He opens up that book that has my name on it with all my wanderings and tears, numbered, recorded, kept account of, both in the book and bottle concerning me... that He will speak words that will only cause me to bow again... at His feet.
For of all things that I once thought I wanted to "be", or "become".... being a mommy that makes my Daddy in Heaven proud... is what I want most.
"The Lord is my shield, the Lord is my armor. The Lord is my sword and my shield of righteousness. Heaven is my chair, earth is my footstool. You ordain my steps. Where you go I will go. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, the enemy is defeated, He has the victory, He has conquered..."
This was the song I was woken by today. I heard these words mingled with the tapping rhythm of a little ones hands as he sung the words above. I wondered, "is he listening to something? How could he be... the computer is not turned on." His song must have gone on for ten minutes.
The song of this six year olds little heart.
As I opened up facebook today, I saw this quote by Matt Redman;
"Most songs come from being attentive. Attentive to life, attentive to scripture, attentive to your heart. Pay attention!"
As I read that, I said, "yes!" This is exactly what Seth was being, this morning. His heart was listening. His heart was responding. His heart was full of a spontaneous, even might I say, a "prophetic" moment of declarative and victorious worship. Worship that sets all of us free, if we "pay attention!"
These spontaneous moments with Seth usually happen in the mornings, when he first wakes. It reveals to me a window of his heart. Maybe even a window into what he may have dreamed that night. Since he was four, he has had many dreams. Some, full of evil. Some, full of light.
He is learning how to battle against that evil. Learning how to walk in the light of His Word and Worship, and that the Blood of Jesus and knowing his armor, are some of His most powerful weapons. He loves to draw pictures of the armor of God. All these things, that he is learning... fill my heart with joy when I hear them declared in his own, battle song. But, they have also come by way of having to learn them, so as to learn and know how to wage against the schemes of the enemy. Not exactly what every mommy plans to teach their little ones by age four.
But, perhaps that is exactly what we should be teaching them... 'for we do not wage war against flesh and Blood," Paul tells us in Ephesians 6.
It is one thing to tell your child, teach your child, model to your child, ... things of the Spirit... things of the Kingdom of Heaven. It is a deeply humbling and honorable thing to hear your child declare all on his own, the very things you have both waged war through. To hear his heart pour forth speech and song, revealing the true identity of who he is, within.
My worship warrior.
Is he still just a playful, full of energy, not always listening, wonder and joy, six year old little boy? Absolutely! But we are learning how to weep, together. Pray, together. Mourn and rejoice, together. Hope and declare together. How to wage war. How to move mountains... all while splashing in mud puddles, eating cookie dough from the hand beaters, blowing bubbles in our juice, and slurping up our favorite garlic chicken and pasta.
Isn't this the mingling of Heaven on earth? Life with Him and in Him?
Yes! These are the songs we need to be attentive to. The life we need to be attentive to. The scripture's we need to be attentive to.
It is our heart we most importantly need to be attentive to. For it is the wellspring of life.
Thank you, Father... for leading our son into the places that are most important, to be attentive. May I learn a song or two from him, as well.
I love your smile
I love your face
I love the way you laugh and play.
I love your eyes
Such sweet surprise
Sparkling bright like firefly's.
Quickly down the hall you go,
You run and hide
Sometimes you fall.
"Come find me Mom!"
A soothing balm.
In hopes that I first count
To three,
Then out the door behind the
Tree.
Dancing, squeeling,
Mingling free, wading through
The crunching leaves. Sneaking
Up so slyfully, surprised and scared we
Both might be.
I love your gentle lulabye's
Dancing round like butterfly's.
You sing them sweetly all day long,
Sacred offering's-
Sacred psalm's.
So bright and brave you'll
Always shine, like the day
Your life met mine. You've taught
My heart to breath again, and
How to walk through demons dens.
Your courage reaches out to me
The will to fight, to be set free. To understand
The Father's love goes far beyond
This Mother's love.
Beyond any thing I can
Fathom.
I love you, Seth
My soldier knight.
You've learned to battle
Through this life.
My worship warrior child you are,
My beaming brilliant tender star.
That every night I get to hold,
Rock your heart, your mind, your soul.
Right into the arms of He
Who breathed your life into
My sea.
Where emotions, depths and
Plains so wide,
Drink puddles of love warmed by your side,
Summer's rain melts life to mine.
My heart is full, my heart it aches
With love for you as it awakes,
With joy sublime
I no longer hide
On this mother's day,
For you are mine.
