"Seth... I was wrong. I am so sorry... I really mean that. I'm sorry and I need to ask your forgiveness, honey. Do you need a hug?" I asked, Seth.
"Seth, I wish they would have never made the word, "perfect," because I know I never will be. And no one will. Its sort of funny when you think about it, that in a world where "perfect" will never be, it is used all the time. You know, I would rather make mistakes and model for you, what making amends and humbly making things right, asking forgiveness, and showing you that I won't be perfect, I would rather do that,.... than show you perfect. Because, Seth, honey... perfect is when we live in heaven one day... there, everything is perfect...
But, it hurts me to know I hurt your heart. I am going to fail, probably many times... and I wish I didn't. I never want anything to come between us, and if it does, I want to always make it right." I tearfully, told Seth.
"You know what I love about you and I honey? I love that even when we have struggles, we always make amends, and make it right between us. Somehow, we end up closer after this, than we were before." I told him, as I looked intently into his eyes.
During this time he had been eating a brown sugar bagel, gazing into the sky's out the window at the kitchen table. There was a pause....
"Mommy, I'm glad you're the mommy I need." His loving eyes said with a huge smile.
I was so deeply touched and awed by his words. Words that on the one hand, leveled me with surprise and disbelief. ON the other, words that fit the deeply revelatory nature of his soul. Only he could have said something so exquisitely beautiful to my heart. And so profound. For so many times I have cried out to the Lord Jesus, to help me be the mommy I cannot be apart from my Jesus, the mommy that Seth needs me to be, and please help me in my weakness's Lord. For it is through my weakness, I find Your strength.
I know that He, my Beloved has been teaching me through those cries. Teaching me that He knew exactly, what Seth was getting in me as a mom... and that He, my Beloved, knew exactly what He was getting into, when He chose to make me, Seth's mom.
I, still struggle to accept that.
Through teary eyes, I looked at his innocent and strong, warrior loving face, full of an oceans depth of love in his eyes for me, and I told him;
"I'm glad, you're the boy- that I need."
I can only pray that those words will penetrate his tender heart, deeply in a way that would express the same depth of meaning that his words did to me. I also knew something more.
Those words for me, held more than he will ever know.
For I pray that through every mistake, every bend that becomes broken, every tear that becomes torn, moments of doing it wrong...that my world and my character are being shaped and formed into something grander and more desirable, than before I became a mommy.
That something of my dross, will have forged its way to the surface, having been skimmed and stripped, all my brokenness; leaving only the reflection of His Face.
That one day, standing at the edge of time, overlooking what my life had held, wading through the shores of my heart...when I meet Him face to face, and He opens up that book that has my name on it with all my wanderings and tears, numbered, recorded, kept account of, both in the book and bottle concerning me... that He will speak words that will only cause me to bow again... at His feet.
For of all things that I once thought I wanted to "be", or "become".... being a mommy that makes my Daddy in Heaven proud... is what I want most.
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