A Sacred Impression

"Mommy, I need a hug." in his itty bitty longing voice, asked Seth.  "Sure honey!" I replied.

Falling into my arms, he wraps every part of him, stretching himself as far as his arms can reach around me.  And in a very unexpected tenderness I hear him say,

"I love your hugs, Mommy."

As tenderly as the sacrament was given, I felt the vibration of a deeper cry within me, attempt to loosen whatever kept the latched door within my heart, closed.   I began to hear the pulling door, move back and forth over memories far away within me- stirring a well of tears inside. 

Words of a child have never felt so, treasured.  Never felt so, wanted.  Never felt so, precious. 

Why?  Why did my heart feel such a startled feeling of, unconditional love?  Longing? 

"With every breath.
With every thought.
From what is seen to the deepest part.
I offer all, that I've come to be.
To know Your love, Fathering me.

With every step,
On this journey's walk,
And wisdom's songs,
That the soul has sought.
I give myself, unreservedly,
To know Your love, Fathering Me.

Father Your all I need. 
My soul sufficiency.
My strength when I am weak.
The love that carries me.
Your arms enfold me.
Till I am only,
A child of God."

"Child of God"
 From "Hungry"- Vineyard Music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3r3JAV2r208&feature=share

Drenched in His presence midst the wet heat of tears streaming down my face, I let this song surround my sacred soul.  I remember the first time I heard it.  I was unloading the dishwasher, about a decade ago.  I came crumbling to the floor in sobbing tears then, too.  Realizing, I did not know this love, anymore.  The love, of a father. 

My childhood had many hugs, by my father.  They made an impression on my heart, that shaped it.  Shaped it into a place where, I was indeed his "little girl."  During those years, I fell in love like many daughter's do.  He was my hero.  But like all hero's, they hold dark secrets that are kept from little girls hearts.  Until, they can no longer be kept. 

Some of those secrets, are redeemed.  Some, are left in the closet of darkness and shadow.  And sometimes, they are the very things a daughter is carrying, herself.

It would be over the course of many decades, that the many secrets would be unveiled.  And with each one, a bit of that little girl would die.  Or at the very least, become numb. 

Until one night, unexpectedly, her son would meekly say, "Mommy, I need a hug."

And the next night feel her Heavenly Father give her, a hug.

Streaming through scenes of sacred smiles.  Scenes of heroism, both by him and by me.  Scenes of chilled faces where the warmth of his coat, comforted the frost bit cheeks of a little girl.  Scenes of a kiss, for the dime to get a gumball.  Scenes of a generous spray of gifts beneath the Christmas tree, never knowing we were so very poor.  Scenes of his being taken, far away, for a long time.  Scenes of tear after tear, streaming through so many sacred miles.

"My daughter, I see every scene of your soul, dripping with unfathomable pain.  I want to help you learn how to receive, My hugs.  I want to Father you, in all of who you are.  I want to unfold and enfold every part of your heart, that you might know My Fathering love for you.  In those cracks where courage, stood alone.  In those secret sacred places where hope, stood alone.  In those strands of tangled and tormenting tugs of war over who your father was, and who he wasn't...I want to show you who I AM.  I want to Father you, my beloved daughter.  Will you let me?" 

"Can I be your sufficiency?" He whispered.

And I feel all over again, a feathered breath of my sons words against my neck, "You give the best hugs, Mommy!" 

Inhaling deeply while my chest heaves up and down I reply to my Heavenly Father as this song streams over my soul, barely uttering words, "You give the best hugs, Daddy!" 

With every step on this journey's walk, I am learning to let my heart be hugged, again.  Wisdom's song the soul has sought, is being sung through the voice of my son.  While every day I give myself to him, unconditionally, unreservedly, he gives back.  Over and over, again. 

With every breath, with every thought, from what is seen to the deepest part, Seth offers all that he is coming to be, in the safety of my love, nurturing him.  In that privilege offered me daily, I am asked the same of my Heavenly Father, "will you offer Me, all that you are coming to be?"

With each and every sacred hug he gives, my Heavenly Father is hugging me.  He is allowing me through my son, to fall in love with Him again.  To become, my Hero.  But unlike earthly father's, He holds no dark secrets.  And the secrets He does hold, are revealed in sacred shadows of beaming love through, Seth.  So that, those kept in the dark, can be broken.  Where once again I become, His little girl. 

His strength, when I am weak.
His love,  that carries me.
His arms, enfolding me.
Till I am only, a child of God.

And how do I know that every one of Seth's hugs, are making a sacred impression?

I am being shaped by them.